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United States President Donald Trump is cerita lucah malam pertamaeither a modern poet ... or a man incapable of speaking without losing his train of thought every 10 words.

If you are as yet undecided, consider these transcripts of his calls with Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto and Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull, published Thursday by The Washington Post.

As I type, my face seems paralyzed by an inability to decide whether it wants to laugh the purest laugh or sob until someone consoles me, so here I sit, stoically jotting down quotes that, two years ago, would have been thrown out by parody sites for seeming a little too batshit.

First up, Trump and Turnbull:

"I am the world’s greatest person that does not want to let people into the country."

Trump said this to Turnbull while they were talking about a deal between the U.S. and Australia that allowed Australia to send up to 2,000 refugees to the U.S.

Trump was not happy about it.

"I hate taking these people. I guarantee you they are bad. That is why they are in prison right now. They are not going to be wonderful people who go on to work for the local milk people."

Trump said the refugees coming to the U.S. from Australia are surely rotten humans. Turnbull tried to explain otherwise, to little avail.

"Look, I do not know how you got them to sign a deal like this, but that is how they lost the election. They said I had no way to 270 and I got 306."

The president rarely misses a chance to tell people how many electoral college votes he got.

Trump: "Can Australia give me a guarantee that if we have any problems — you know that is what they said about the Boston bombers. They said they were wonderful young men."

Turnbull: "They were Russians. They were not from any of these countries."

Trump: "They were from wherever they were."

What is the appropriate time for drinking on a Thursday?, is my question.

"I have been making these calls all day and this is the most unpleasant call all day. Putin was a pleasant call. This is ridiculous."

#PleasantPutin

Now, onto Trump and Peña Nieto:

"...he speaks better English than me..."

Trump to Peña Nieto, but also sort of to the interpreter.

"In Ohio, they are having rallies for Trump right now because Trump has taken a hard stance on Mexico."

Trump, reverting to third person.

"The only thing I will ask you though is on the wall, you and I both have a political problem. My people stand up and say, 'Mexico will pay for the wall' and your people probably say something in a similar but slightly different language."

I have consumed many drinks.

"...if you are going to say that Mexico is not going to pay for the wall, then I do not want to meet with you guys anymore because I cannot live with that."

#NoWallNoFriends

"I will say with you representing Mexico and me representing the United States we will have a good agreement and we will almost become the fathers of our country — almost not quite okay?"

What is the level of drunkenness at which colleagues begin to notice?

"It is you and I against the world, Enrique, do not forget."

Something tells me Peña Nieto feels differently!

"I want you to be so popular that your people will call for a constitutional amendment in Mexico so that you can run again for another six years."

Trump, speaking of the Mexican people, obviously — but also probably speaking of his hopes for 2024.