Lying on xxx little child video sexmy bed and staring at Instagram on my iPhone on a pretty average Sunday afternoon, I suddenly became aware I was being watched. And it wasn't the first time.
Lurking in the list of people who've viewed my Instagram Story is a familiar face that appears on that list so frequently I've come to expect its presence. That face belongs to an ex who once ghosted me, who now can't seem to tear himself away from every single Story I post.
This face isn't alone, either. Amid the faces of friends, crushes, and colleagues viewing my Stories, lie the faces of nigh-on every single person who's ever ghosted me. But, like, why?
SEE ALSO: I can't be basic on Instagram anymore and it's all because of StoriesThese aren't just one-offs, which we could probably blame on the odd rogue thumb swipe in the wrong direction. These ghosts are haunting each and every one of my Stories without fail, studying the mundane, incremental updates of my everyday life as if it's an art form they're attempting to master.
But, the thing is: these people ghostedme; deemed me no longer worthy of dating them at that moment in time, and swiftly exited my life without so much as a "nice knowin' ya." Why, then—if they didn't like me enough to date me, or even reply to my texts—do these former flames lurk in the shadows?
It was only when I saw a recent viral tweet which called out this particular Instagram phenomenon that I realised how many others were being haunted by ghosts on Instagram.
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This is clearly a thing. But it feels so counter-intuitive. So why is it happening? Vicki Pavitt, love expert at Match, says this is a "modern phenomenon that wouldn't have even been possible a few years ago". It's a way for exes to keep themselves in your life in a low-key, zero-commitment way.
"This is a way for the ghost to encourage that interest with almost no effort."
"It’s a low commitment way for the ghost or ex-partner to stay connected and play a passive role in their exes' lives," says Pavitt. She says that it can give the ghost "an ego boost if it prompts the person they ghosted to contact them."
"People love to feel wanted even if they aren’t interested and this is a way for the ghost to encourage that interest with almost no effort," says Pavitt.
The phenomenon has left some people, understandably, feeling "so confused". Hannah Blackington, an account executive based in London, says she keeps seeing an ex that she dated on-and-off for a year viewing her Story.
"Like, you clearly don't have enough respect for me to tell me you weren't interested in dating me anymore, but here you are keeping up with what I'm doing without you in my life," she says. However she doesn't feel strongly enough to confronting her ex about it. Her theory is that he's possibly lurking on her Story out of guilt. "I wonder if he feels bad about ghosting me because he was generally an all-around great guy the entire time I've known him. He seemed like he had great character and we had a lot of fun together."
Senior account executive Ena Cosic also finds the practice confusing because she isn't sure of lurking equates to romantic emotions. While she says she only looks at exes' and former ghostees' Instagram Stories if she has "zero interest in them," she feels differently when she sees her exes viewing her Story. "If it’s someone I really like or used to like, I will think twice about stalking them on Insta," says Cosic. Funnily enough, when she sees exes' faces appearing in the list of people viewing her Story, she feels a little differently. "If I am honest, it kind of makes me laugh seeing my ex watching my story cause I know he’s still curious what I am up to," says Cosic. "But, it also confuses me as he deleted me on any other platform and I do question if he’s over me or not."
"It’s out of general curiosity to see how they’re getting on, what they’re doing, and how missed I truly am."
We asked a serial lurker about the motivations and emotions behind this kind of behaviour. Creative strategist Fabian Castellani openly admits to lurking on the Instagram Stories of his former flames. "Most of the time I end up on stories from either my exes, their mates or people I’ve dated, by accident. You begin with the intention of watching a couple of people’s stories and the next thing you’re 20 stories deep and their face pops up."
But, it's not always accidental, he admits. "Other times it’s out of general curiosity to see how they’re getting on, what they’re doing, and how missed I truly am."
In Castellani's case, his Story lurking sometimes comes hand in hand with some feelings. "I’d say sometimes there are feelings there. Usually you don’t realise until you see their face and your heart drops into your stomach. Not ideal," he says. "Then you get it the other way around where you think there’s still something there, you go on their story and then feel nothing."
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable Martin Lucas, a human behaviour expert at MasterMindset, says that if the person who broke things off is the one lurking on Instagram, then they're likely doing it to "validate the choice" they made. That ex, in Lucas' opinion, is "looking for confirmation" that breaking up was "the right thing," and they could even be wondering if their absence is being felt acutely. But, if that ex is in a "self-doubting mood," Lucas says they could be looking at your profile with "a mixture of regret and jealousy.
Apart from blocking these exes who can't help but stare at pics of our day-today, what exactly are we supposed to do? Directly addressing it is one option. Billie Dee, head of Diversity PR, confronted her ex after he blocked her across all social media platforms and then began viewing her Story from a business account. She called him out on the "sheer irony" of it. His excuse? He said his desktop kept logging him into that account. Needless to say, that particular Instagram handle hasn't appeared in the list of viewers since then.
Since dating a few people who proceeded to freeze her out after one or two dates, Dee has noticed them viewing her Story too. "Not blowing my own trumpet or anything, my stories are pretty damn entertaining so who can blame them really," she says. "At the end of the day I'm highly flattered that these boys still think about me on the reg, let them look at how fabulous I am, I love it."
It's hard to know whether an ex is looking at your Story by accident, or out of genuine romantic interest. If it bothers you, consider blocking. Otherwise, let 'em watch.
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