All conspiracy theories are women getting fucked by dog sex videotrash -- unless you're talking about celebrity queer relationship conspiracy theories, which are 100% good and accurate.
Or so we hope. There are so many conspiracy theories in this genre that, if proven true, would bring infinite joy to queer people worldwide. The LGBTQ community has few celebrity queer relationships they can count on for gossip -- a Kristen Stewart and Stella Maxwell here, a RuPaul and Georges LeBar there. By and large, however, these relationships are stable. They are healthy. They are far below the requisite drama standard for gossip.
We need more.
SEE ALSO: 2017 was a good year for LGBTQ cinema – if you knew where to lookBelow are a few of the most legendary conspiracy theories about queer relationships, composed entirely by the teenage professors of Tumblr and Twitter. Theorists in this arena are known as "shippers." It's worth mentioning that none of these theories has yet to be proven even remotely true, and some of these actors have explicitly stated that they're heterosexual.
Yeah, yeah, whatever. If there's one thing we're entitled to in this great nation of ours, it's our baseless, purely projective, borderline offensive relationship fantasies.
Here are the very best.
1. Demi Lovato and Lauren Abedini
This is one conspiracy theory that actually has some chance of being true. Lovato broke up with her longtime boo, Wilmer Valderrama, in June 2016. Around that time, Lovato revealed that she was open to dating both men and women (!!!) because "that's how she's always felt." Fast forward to a year later, when the gossip blogs captured Lovato hand-in-hand with DJ Lauren Abedini at the gayest place on earth, Disneyland. Just last week, Lovato insiders spotted this key detail:
Demi commented on Lauren Abedini’s Instagram post: https://t.co/Zg65I4Q5Cm pic.twitter.com/ygxOgRQIOb
— Demi Lovato News (@justcatchmedemi) January 9, 2018
Is there enough evidence to pronounce this conspiracy theory as fact? No, there is not. But don't you dare let that affect your detective work on Instagram, where queer conspiracy theorists are sorely underrepresented.
2. Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss
In the conspiracy theory community, those of us who believe that Taylor Swift is secretly dating fashion model Karlie Kloss identify as Kaylor Shippers.
Most critics assume that Swift's latest album, Reputation,is about her rumored ding dong of a boyfriend, Joe Alwyn. But those of us in the know -- experts in the field, really -- believe that her song "Gorgeous" is about a woman (Swift) dating a man (Alwyn) while secretly being in love with a woman (Kloss). From Jezebel's Bobby Finger:
After 3 listens, I’ve decided “Gorgeous” is about Taylor lusting after a woman while dating a man, and feeling guilt/shame because of it.
— bobby finger (@bobbyfinger) October 20, 2017
The rumor of their affair first gained speed after a series of grainy photos, allegedly showing Kloss and Swift making out at a 1975 concert, emerged. Swift quickly shut down "Kissgate" -- and, in her defense, it's impossible to precisely identify what's happening in the photo. Still, that didn't stop Klossers' from keepin' on believin', especially when the two aren't afraid to express their (supposedly entirely platonic) affection on Instagram.
Happy happy birthday @taylorswift13! 💫 pic.twitter.com/ihruw3BipU
— Karlie Kloss (@karliekloss) December 13, 2017
YES YES WE ARE. Source: elitedaily #karlieelizabethkloss #klossy #kaylor #taylorswift #taylorswift13 #tayloralisonswift13 #kaylorisreal #kaylorismarried
3. Oprah and Gayle King
Oprah and Gayle, bffs 4 lyfe. Credit: dimitrios kambouris/wireimage/getty Sorry, conservative moms, it wouldn't be a queer conspiracy theory listicle if it didn't include Oprah and her potentially queer, maybe not so platonic, relationship with her best friend, Gayle King.
A few years ago, Oprah's stepmother, Barbara Winfrey, had a jaw-dropping interview with the always trustworthy, Daily Mail. In the interview, Winfrey insinuated that Oprah's relationship with her public partner, Stedman, was something of a front. Barbara Winfrey claimed that she never saw Stedman and Oprah hold hands or touch. Oprah's relationship with Gayle King was far more meaningful, Barbara Winfrey alleged, whatever that means.
"I can only say what I saw and observed over the years. Gayle was more present that Stedman," Winfrey told the Daily Mail.
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable Fellow queers -- is there anything we can do to make this hopeless speculation real life? Let's get to work.
4. Cara Delevingne and Paris Jackson
You don't have to look far into Delevingne or Jackson's Instagrams to conclude that the two could theoretically be dating. The pair seem to have spent the holidays together, which obviously means they're getting married.(An alternative explanation is that they're friends, which is boring and not really worth intellectual exploration).
NUEVO POST: Son hermosas Paris y Cara 🐡❤ Ellas han estado subiendo fotos juntas el mismo día cuando estuvieron en Italia 🇮🇹💛 @ParisJackson @Caradelevingne #ParisJackson #MichaelJackson #CaraDelevingne pic.twitter.com/0dG5GHKpiE
— Paris Jackson México (@PJacksonMexico) January 5, 2018
🌟🎄🕊 midnight stars, they sail the sky in silence. hearing all they see, are they hearing me? christmas star, you watch the world so wisely; at my journey's end, will you be my true friend
Congratulations to the happy maybe couple!
5. Carrie Brownstein and Abbi Jacobson
A little over a year ago, a largely evidence-free (and admittedly so) rumor began on queer site Autostraddle that Carrie Brownstein of Portlandia and Abbi Jacobson of Broad City were dating. The proof was slim but compelling: Abbi appears to have spent Carrie's birthday with her, potentially solo, on a romantic beach. They also both routinely like one another's Instagrams, which is evidence enough for all of us in the queer conspiracy community.
Sea punks. #portlandia #season7
Happy Birthday to this brilliant adventurer, @carrie_rachel
Brilliant adventurer? No one uses that phrase unless they're copying and pasting from their Tinder profile.
Case. CLOSED.
6. Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles, aka "Larry Stylinson"
Via GiphyLarry Stylinson shippers believe what I so deeply want to be truth -- that the two One Directioners are in love. While in the band, the two had an undeniably close friendship, a friendship that many of us in the conspiracy community saw as romantic.
Sadly, Louis Tomlinson denied those rumors:
"It created this atmosphere between the two of us where everyone was looking into everything we did. It took away the vibe you get off anyone," Tomlinson told The Sun. "It made everything a little bit more unapproachable. I think [what's happened since] shows that it was never anything 'real,' if I can use that word."
Yeah yeah yeah, we get it. We just don't accept it. There are so few quality gay relationship theories out there, why can't we have this?
Give us this, Larry Stylinson! Even if it's a lie.
7. The Babadook and Pennywise
Of all the shipper theories, this is the one with the greatest chance of becoming true. Rumors of their relationship began last summer and went viral sometime around Halloween. Unfortunately, neither the Babadook or Pennywise are able to comment on the relationship because they're both fictional characters and queer meme culture has gone way too far.
Have you ever seen a more beautiful pair?
Pennywise and his boyfriend, The Babadook are off on a date to get crepes and terrorize some kids. pic.twitter.com/eakshrfkN7
— ✨kumi ✨2018 (@kumivenarts) September 12, 2017
If we can't have "real" human celebrity couples -- or if we're limited to secondhand gossip about Kristen Stewart's latest fling and Anderson Cooper's handsome boo -- at least we can have this. Two beautiful horrifying fictional monsters, blessed with both love and drama.
For that, I am grateful.
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