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The nude creature sex videosApple Card finally launched in the U.S. on Wednesday, and with it came a set of extremely specific care instructions. Why do you need care instructions for a credit card, you ask? Well, this isn't just any credit card. It's a credit card that makes you better than other people.

Here's how Apple wants you to care for your special hunk of titanium. First, you must store the card in a slot in your wallet without it touching any other cards. (If you don't, you could damage the card's white coating, Apple says.) When it's time to clean your card, the company recommends "gently [wiping] with a soft, slightly damp, lint-free microfiber cloth," then moistening anothermicrofiber cloth with isopropyl alcohol and wiping the card again. And please keep your precious wealth rectangle away from harmful materials, including leather (the stuff used to make wallets) and denim (the stuff used to make a lot of pants).

Of course, these suggestions are absolutely wild, but people will probably still abide by them. So, as you tuck your new Apple Card into a buttery lambskin iPouch, please enjoy a few jokes on the subject.

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