"We're literally just waiting in the cold for hours for makeup we can swinger sex videosbuy online," one girl explained to her friend.
I had been waiting a little over an hour in light snowfall to enter Kylie Jenner's New York City pop-up shop, but I was nowhere near Lip Kit heaven -- the line wrapped around two blocks. A security guard told me that the most dedicated of Kylie's Kings showed up at 5 a.m. for the chance to buy some stuff with her face on it and maybe see her IRL.
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Some resilient fans came as early as Saturday, during what I will remind you is the dead of winter, to be at the front of the line. They were rewarded when Kylie herself dropped in the night before the shop's launch to take selfies advertising the space.
Things weren't looking great for those among us who waited for the sun to come out before leaving the comfort of our homes. But the second I saw the Kylie Cosmetics-branded, pink drippy doors -- the very same hue Kendall Jenner paints her walls to suppress her appetite -- I remembered my destiny to suffer for fame capitalism.
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A very important element of the dynamic here is that a lot of these girls (it's mostly girls, though there were a few boys) don't really care about Kylie Jenner or the Kardashians, and certainly not enough to spend hours standing in melting brown snow to buy her merch. "I like Khloe, though, she's at least done something with her life," an NYU student explained to me.
I overheard about a dozen variations of, "Are you mad at me? We can leave if you want, just tell me."
Others were there partially for themselves, but were also psyched to buy eyeshadow palettes for their friends and sisters.
Fortunately, I was totally alone and didn't have to deal with other people's wants and needs.
Keeping Up With the Kardashiansand the entire Kardashian-Jenner empire rests, at its heart, on the complex, and ultimately life-affirming relationships between women. That and Olympic-level vanity and consumerism, so it really all ties together.
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Eventually, the cold became too much for some, and two by two, the line dropped off. But many stuck around even though it was 35 degrees outside and event staff warned us that, even though the shop was supposed to stay open until 9 p.m. and it was just after 11 a.m., we might not even make it inside.
Nevertheless, they persisted. They helped each other out with coffee runs and borrowed gloves, because female friendship is a beautiful thing. We had a short-lived sing along of Justin Bieber and DJ Snake's "Let Me Love You" to pass the time.
"It's so cold in the ciiiiitaaaay," one dude in the crowd sang, improvising the tune as he went along. "So cold! So cold! So cold!" True, but he was no Bieber.
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Eventually, a couple hours after Jenner had vowed be on the scene to open the shop, she arrived to a sea of noise as the crowd chanted her name.
From what I gathered from the girls I talked to, the hot ticket items were lip kits and hats. Convinced that frostbite would imminently reach my brain, I seriously considered purchasing the latter as a medical necessity.
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The best item is this Kris Jenner tee, though. Our favorite momager works hard for 10% of her daughter's income.
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Pins, underwear sets, sweatsuits, lighters and jackets are also part of the lineup. A lot of it featured the word THICK and lots of exclamation points, referencing the Tyga and Kanye West collaboration where they both rap about their sexy significant others' bodies, which certainly isn't creepy!
Kylie modeled some of the looks with her bestie, Jordyn Woods, which felt way more in line with the vibe of the fans I encountered than the shots of Kylie and Tyga groping each other and wearing her face. It's fitting that the actual debut happened on Galentine's Day and not whatever happens the day after Galentine's day.
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Jenner always makes a point to include one item that flashes a hint of self-awareness, too. Her first round of merch included a tee referencing her mercilessly mocked (I'm guilty myself) but ultimately true prophecy for whatever the hell last year was. "I feel like this year is really about, like, realizing stuff," she predicted, and was she wrong? If we had only opened our eyes and realized more.
This time around, she's gloating with a message for all the people that moan about her family being "famous for being famous" and having "no talent."
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Some customers noted that they were fully aware they're just paying a markup for the name and comparable items and drugstores would be much cheaper, but the actual product is only one factor in the experience.
But even more thrilling than even a lip kit wall and a momentary glance at Kylie in the flesh is the selfie potential at the shop. Naturally, the Queen of Snapchat has her own location filter for the occasion.
By the time Kylie actually showed up a good nine hours before the shop was set to close, plenty of the items were sold out already, and security was advising those remaining in line to make their peace with the situation and leave empty-handed.
I'm a celebrity merchandise pop-up shop veteran at this point, and I can confidently state that this is the most bonkers one I've attended. It makes sense -- Kylie's bro-in-law Kanye West changed the game when it comes to limited-edition merchandise. Superstars like Drake and Justin Bieber followed, but couldn't quite match the Yeezy frenzy. Kylie's merchandise borrows heavily from the KIMOJI line big sister Kim launched last year, because this family knows what works for them.
The pop-up is scheduled to go online for Valentine's Day and local Kings can always hope that the shop will restock and chill out a little after first-day frenzy. But if not, Kylie will certainly find new ways to sell you things.
2017 could just be the year of, like, purchasing stuff ... and things.
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